i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I just blew my weed a kiss
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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