make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Randomize
