They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
