I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
