I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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