gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
