thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
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