He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Randomize
