in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Randomize
