someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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