Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
