Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
