and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Randomize
