Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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