your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Randomize
