oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
