The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Randomize
