Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
