My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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