textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
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