Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
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