I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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