If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
