There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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