Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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