she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize