I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Randomize
