Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
