I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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