I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
