You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Boobs speak an international language.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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