I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
