I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
