the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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