It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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