break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Randomize
