filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Semen is not good for contacts.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
A+ Viking dick
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
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