you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
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