i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
