This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
