He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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