I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
