So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Randomize
