i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Randomize
