maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Randomize