false alarm. still invincible.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
