the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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