Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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