Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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