i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Drunk is not a location!
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
