i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
