My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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