Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
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