I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
please don't ironically join a cult
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